My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
