soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
