sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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