nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
