She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
