2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
