??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
