i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
