literally had 100 drinks last night.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
