Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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