I think my fart just growled at me.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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