I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
