So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
