grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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