We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
