What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
