I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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