Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
