currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
