Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
