Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
should my penis look like a turkey
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
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