I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
this beer tastes like vomit already
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
