I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
