I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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