Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
