Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
