she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
