Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
