did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
