If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
