Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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