She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
do nipples grow back?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
