I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
