I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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