I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
