I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
