You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
