John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
