What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
