My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
