Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize