I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
