My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
