I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
