just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
