yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
