Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
