My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
