Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
