dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
